I’m Still The Boss

Mother is busy with those stupid beasts, doing who knows what, so I am taking the opportunity to enlighten you more about the wonderfulness of me. There is so much to say….where do I start?

I am nearly 20 years old, and I have to say that I only get better with age. Mother is practically neurotic about grooming me, but really, I think she has lost her mind. Who cares if my fur is perfect? I am perfect, and that is all that matters. I think perhaps Mother has some “issues” she needs to work out.

Father continues to worship me, as is my due. He sometimes tries to put that stupid “zapper” thing on me when he thinks I am sleeping but I just move around until it falls off. I mean really! They are always trying to do something to me with a comb or a zapper or some stupid vitamin. I will let them know when I want a dumb vitamin and then they may serve me. I cannot believe how long it has taken me to train these two.

They became all concerned the other day because I vomited a few times…who cares? I have the right to vomit if I want and it is none of their business. So what if the big stereo speaker was ruined? If they are so concerned about it they should not leave it next to the warm fireplace like that. I am much more important than some stupid stereo equipment. They spend too much time listening to that stupid music anyway. I hate that stupid jazz and that dumb Jimi Hendrix person. What did he ever do that was so special?

I almost nailed that hairy, smelly beast Sammy when I vomited. That was almost worth the discomfort! Mother and Father have spent the last few days fussing over him for some dumb reason, but I think he was faking it the whole time. He is not always as dumb as he looks.

Well, I hear Mother coming back into the house with those dumb dogs, so I better go pretend I am sleeping on top of the stereo cabinet. If I stay up there long enough, Mother will airlift me at bedtime to the cozy bedroom upstairs. She is so easy to manipulate!

~ Boots



Boots loves her Mommy! (Oh please, Mother)

Her Highness (oh, get over yourself Mother!)

Before Mother takes over this post and gets all hysterical, let me just say that there was really nothing wrong with me. Mother chose to abandon me for two weeks, with just Father and those smelly beasts for company. I decided that I needed to teach them all a lesson, so I just didn’t eat for a while. What is the problem here? Everyone needs a cleansing fast now and then. The fact that I lost a few pounds should not have sent the entire household into a frenzy. When Mother finally decided to come home I simply decided to eat again. No one else is the boss of me, so I do not have to eat if I don’t want to. So there. ~ Boots

Well, I wouldn’t say I got hysterical, but she did look pretty bad when I got home from a family visit. I never would have thought that Boots would mourn me [I was not! – Boots] but she seemed to perk up as soon as I got home and now she’s pretty much back to her normal, feisty self as you can see. Our other cat, Little Miss, was also missing in action and when I finally found her, she was limping badly. We kept her inside for a few days and did some therapies on her and I fed her by hand for a few meals until she perked up. I think she injured herself climbing a tree or something and she just stayed outside, not hunting, not coming in to eat, not drinking, and basically wasting away. She’s doing much better now and today I let her go outside for a little while.

Sheesh! I never would have thought our independent kitties would have so many problems while I was away. [I was not having a problem, and that stupid stripey cat is just a big lazy baby! – Boots] In any case, I get nervous about leaving my animals, even with someone caring for them, as I’ve had three pets die in my lifetime while I was on vacation. It makes me a little gun shy! [See what I mean? Hysterical! – Boots]



The Great Chicken Caper

I’m pretty sure they were planning it from the moment they saw me take the chicken breasts out of the freezer. I usually put meat in the oven to thaw because so far none of the animals in the house have learned how to open the oven door. Yet. When I checked the chicken it wasn’t quite ready for cooking so I set it in a pan of warm water in the sink. Usually I cover it with a cast iron pan lid which is heavy enough to deter the rodents, but this time I neglected that step. Big mistake.

I went outside to do a bit of gardening and came back in about 45 minutes later. I had the dogs outside with me, and I let them go in the house while I took some flower pictures in the garden. I came inside and looked in the sink…the pan of water was there, but no chicken. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I asked my husband if he had moved the chicken. The answer was no. Uh oh.

That’s when I noticed the plastic bits on the floor. Uh oh again. Not surprisingly, all the animals were in hiding, except for Boots. [Why should I hide? I didn’t do anything wrong. Mother is being hysterical about the stupid chicken. – Boots]  I checked around for the rest of the chicken package and when I didn’t see it I went out to the back yard, the final resting place of many liberated food items.

Sure enough, Sammy was out there on the lawn and he looked up at me, looking VERY guilty. When I called his name he wagged his tail and came running up to me with his guilty, sideways crab run. I looked over the deck railing and there was the chicken package, minus the chicken. At least this time he didn’t eat all the plastic.

I figure what happened is that Boots dragged the chicken out of the sink. I don’t know how she did it because the package weighed more than she does! [It was easy – Mother is so clueless. – Boots] She probably ate her fill while we were out in the garden and when I let the dogs in the house Sammy grabbed what was left and ran.

This is not the first time these two have conspired to steal dinner. A few weeks ago I cooked two steaks for my husband, one for dinner and one for the next day (our steaks from the butcher some two to a package and I didn’t want mine). I mistakenly left one on the counter. Boots grabbed the steak off the counter and tried to make off with it. Sammy ran up to her, she growled at him with a mouthful of steak (hilarious!) and he snatched it away and ran outside to eat it. [I am going to get back at that stupid dog, just you wait. – Boots]

I’m pretty sure Molly and Little Miss were innocent in the Chicken Caper. Sammy and Boots are the real delinquents in the family. [Says you. – Boots]


I have bent Mother to my will

I get to lick Father’s dessert bowl, as is my right.

It took longer than I would have liked, but Mother has finally submitted to my wishes. I was tired of going through the little door into the laundry room to do my business. That little door is so undignified. Those stupid dogs wait by the door for me to come back into the house and sometimes that stripey cat is there and I have to boss her around for a while. It’s such a bother.

Well, I had enough of that. I started doing my business in the room where Mother types her lies about me into the computer. She finally realized that I was not going to give up, so the other day she got me my own little catbox and put it in the guest bathroom so I do not have to go back to that cold, dark laundry room. I knew if I stuck to my guns she would cave in. She is so weak. I disliked going outside my box but this situation called for drastic measures.

Just a few minutes ago I also bent Father to my will. I made him share his dessert with me. Another triumph. Of course I had no doubt I would prevail. As soon as Mother turns her back I will take over her dessert bowl as well.

~ Boots


The Disappearing Boots

We had a rather stressful evening the other day. I came home from shopping in Missoula, made dinner, relaxed, then went into the kitchen to feed the animals. At this point, I realized Boots was not around. She didn’t come into the kitchen while I was making steaks to yell at me for food. So…I started searching.

I looked and looked, and looked again with a flashlight. I crawled under and behind things, I moved every object in my closet, I even went into the crawlspace under the house. Steve joined in the search and looked in all the places I looked. No Boots.

This is a cat who refuses to go outside when the temperature goes below 40 degrees, so we thought it was unlikely that she had gone out the dog door. But we became pretty convinced she wasn’t in the house, so we started searching outside. It was about 20 degrees out and it started snowing so we knew if she was outside and spent the night out there she probably wouldn’t make it until morning.

I finally came to the conclusion that she must have crawled off somewhere to die. Cats will do this when they sense they are going to die. The strange thing is that we had seen her earlier in the day and she looked fine and was as bossy as ever. We didn’t know what else to think and we realized we probably weren’t going to see her again. We both cried and spent the night tossing and turning, imagining her dying out in the cold and snow.

The next morning, I lay in bed realizing that I was going to have to get up and start the part of my life without Boots. She’s been with us for almost 17 years and although she’s got attitude, we love her. Steve came in from getting wood for the fireplace and called to me that Boots was here. I ran downstairs and there she was, looking fine and meowing for breakfast. I simply couldn’t believe she was there after all the searching clkjvak aksdy hey! Ouch! YOWR!

This is Boots. I took over Mother’s apparatus because I simply could not listen to any of her drama queen talk any further. I do not have to tell Mother and Father where I am all of the time. They are not the boss of me. I am old enough to take care of myself and I knew where I was all of the time. There is no need for all the crying and histrionics, although I was appeased to see that I am properly appreciated in the household, as I should be. That Other cat, the striped one, knew where I was but I told her not to inform Mother and Father. I do not have to report to them. Mother tried to brush me when I got back but I hissed at her and nipped her hand to make her think twice about bossing me around.


~ Boots


Make no mistake, I am in charge

Mother is gone on a trip, so I decided it was time to assert my authority over Father and the smelly beast dogs. Father is a pushover, even though he likes to grab me by the scruff of the neck and make me dance across the floor. I allow him to do it because it is rather fun. Don’t tell Mother.

The first night Mother was gone, those dumb dogs got up on the couch together and slept there all night. I woke up Father and pointed out this despicable behavior, but he failed to discipline them properly. If it was up to me, they would be out in the backyard with no food. In the snow.

That obnoxious Other cat who lives here is completely cowed by me, so she has caused me no trouble. I have tried to convince her that it is in her best interest to break into the cabinet where Mother keeps the dry cat food but so far she has failed to do so.

If Mother doesn’t come back soon, I will have everyone completely under my control. I just need several more days and they will be my slaves.

~ Boots


Kitten in a basket

Have you ever noticed how cats will try to fit in any available space? This picture is Little Miss taking advantage of the fact that I hadn’t yet used this basket to store onions for the winter. She loves to cram herself into any little space for a snooze. I have several baskets lined with old t-shirts around the house for the cats to catch a few Z’s. Little Miss even has her own chair….a very expensive “meditation” chair that we bought years ago. The cushions are so lumpy that it’s really not comfortable to sit in, but she likes it just fine.

A bag, a box, any cave-like space will do for a cat. Boots likes to crawl in the bed covers after we’ve thrown them off to start the day and before the bed actually gets made. Many times I’ve been surprised by her yowl as I yank the covers around to make the bed. If I leave it uncovered, she’ll curl up in the indentation of my special pillow, which has a sleeping “canyon” for back sleeping and two “shelves” for side sleeping. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to find Boots sleeping on the other end of my pillow, or I’m on the end and she’s in the canyon. Cat hair is my life!


Rodents Of Unusual Size

I have rodents in my house. Big ones! They are all four-legged and furry. When the lights go out, they troll the counters looking for food. More than once I have had to come down in the middle of the night, flip on the lights and scatter the rodents. An exterminator is not an appropriate solution in this case since I’m talking about Sammy, Boots and Little Miss!

I think everyone is trying to put on their winter fat. Ten minutes after I feed the dogs and cats, they are milling around in the kitchen staring at me like they haven’t eaten in weeks. One thing that helps is to give them a little extra oil (olive oil) so they feel satiated. The other thing is to keep all food and dirty dishes off the counters. Last night I had to get up twice in the middle of the night (and I DO mean the middle) to stop Boots from eating cookies that were in a box on the counter (her claw was stuck in the cardboard box and she was trying to eat through the plastic window) and to get her out of the sink where she was attacking a bowl that hadn’t been put in the dishwasher.

I have caught Little Miss on the counter countless times attacking the butter dish when I forget to put it away. Sammy waits until we turn out the lights, then waits a few more hours to make sure we’re asleep, then he goes down and puts his front paws on the counters to see if he can reach anything. Now they’re working together in the daylight. Yesterday Boots knocked a spatula onto the floor and I caught Sammy picking it up in his mouth before trying to run outside with it.

I just never know what to expect. This past spring I began to find spoons outside in the thawing snow. Sammy had taken several metal spoons outside and chewed on them, then left them laying around. A month or so ago, after making sure the counters were food free, I went to bed, only to wake up later to hear Sammy doing his late-night patrol. I went downstairs and he had taken a bag of cornstarch off the counter and made off with it. He must have decided he didn’t like the taste because he left it by the dog door, only slightly chewed.

Molly is mostly innocent in this, although she will sometimes share Sammy’s booty if he’s successful. One day I saw them eating something in the backyard. I went out and found that Sammy had taken a bag of raw cacao powder off the counter and they were chowing down on it. I had to spray the powder into the ground to stop them from eating it. Once recently I turned my back for a moment and caught Molly trying to sneak a block of cheese off the counter. She doesn’t put her paws up there, but I found out that she’s not above a snatch-and-grab job!

I think Boots has got to be the worst of them, though. We had a guest a few weeks ago and we were all sitting in the living room having a casual dinner of some great stew that I made, and Boots walked right up to our guest and tried to steal the food out of her bowl. I was so embarrassed. She has stolen steak off my plate. She has run off with food wrappers. She tried to eat cornstarch packing peanuts!

I’m hoping the ROUS’s will get used to the cold weather soon and realize that they are not dying of starvation. I don’t hold out much hope for Boots though…



I am Boots. You may worship me!

I Am the Queen!

Despite what Mother has written about those two stupid, hairy beasts who live in my house, I am the Queen and I am in charge. My name is Boots and I am beautiful and perfect. I can prove it because I have a yin-yang symbol on one of my  toepads. I’m not going to display my toes on the internet, so you are just going to have to believe me.

I have been with Mother and Father the longest, so I am the boss of everyone here. For some reason, Mother and Father love those noisy, hairy dogs! But I am the one who gets to sit on Father’s lap all evening, every evening, not those beasts. I am the one who commands Mother to let me out the front door so I can do my beauty roll on the concrete sidewalk. I am the one who gets food whenever I want.

I have been the boss of them since I made them open the door of their first house and I demanded to be let in. I was tired of roughing it in the neighborhood so I took over their house. Mother was easy to convince….she has no spine. Father took a little bit more time, but all I really had to do was meow a little and rub up against him. Once he named me, a name I suggested, I knew he was mine.

I was totally against them bringing Charlie, the first hairy beast, into the house but for some reason they did not listen to me. That sneaky dog came up behind me one day and tried to sniff my butt! I proceeded to remove myself to the upstairs of the house, and I made them bring my food, water and sandbox up there and wait on me for three months. But I became bored, so I allowed them to bring me down the stairs again.

For some reason, one day they decided to throw me into a car full of their dog-hair-covered stuff, and when they finally let me out, we were in another house! I couldn’t believe they would do this to me, and to top it off, it was somewhere really cold! Then, if you can believe it, they brought another hairy beast into the house! Well, I retaliated….I walked around the in the smelly woods for two days and didn’t tell them where I was. Mother was so worried, I almost felt sorry for her. I made the rounds of the neighbors and ate all the food they left out for their inferior cats.

After a few months I decided not to hunt anymore, and to make them bring me all my food. There’s no reason for me to exert myself. I told them in no unequivocal terms that I would not be going outside when it got cold. I also demanded that they make me a warm bed near the woodstove. Too bad they don’t have my lovely fur. They seem to spend a lot of time standing in front of the stove trying to get warm. Honestly, humans baffle me.

The other thing I can’t stand is how much time they spend petting and hugging those smelly dogs! I mean really! Those dogs are so dumb they can’t even remember that they were just petted and the keep asking for more. It’s so undignified…you will never catch me doing that.

After a while they did something I still can’t believe. They brought another, highly inferior, cat into the house! I tried to convince him to leave during his first week, and I almost succeeded because he was just a punk kid. But he stuck around and got kind of big…I didn’t know that was going to happen. I had to watch my back for a couple of years, but I finally convinced Mother and Father to find him another home, and that I should be the only cat in the house. I had given up trying to convince them I should be the only pet in the house.

Then, wouldn’t you know it, not six months later they took in another inferior cat! At least this time is was a female, so much better than a male. She tried to win me over by rolling on the floor in front of me but I was having none of that. We skirmished for a few years until she decided she’d better back down and let me be Queen. Nowadays I just have to bop her a few times when Mother is putting out our food, just to remind her who is really in charge.

All in all, it’s been a good life here in Montana, even with the continual stream of hairy beasts coming into the house. My favorite time is when they all go on vacation and I have the whole house to myself. Mother always arranges for a surrogate slave to feed me. I could feed myself, but why bother? I’ve killed a few bats for Mother, so she thinks I’m all that. As she should.

~ Boots